Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Denial...

Have you ever thought about denial? Have you ever noticed how easy it is to see when someone else is in denial, but incredibly difficult to see when you, yourself, are in denial? I've been grappling with the issue of denial for a while now. Denial = rationalizations for me. Recently, I've come to the uncomfortable realization that I've been rationalizing away a number of concerns, the most pressing of which has been my weight. It is too high...it is just that simple.

I was anorexic for a number of years, during which I also abused laxatives. To say I don't have a healthy relationship with body image would be an understatement. For years, relative youth kept my weight at a place I could, well, ignore. My muscles were tight and I didn't care about my abs because I was busy having and raising three children. I'm not relatively young anymore and I'm done carrying babies. My last baby was born more than 10 years ago.

Something happened this year...this summer saw me rationalizing away my flabby bottom, my bra strap bulges and my protruding lower belly. Maybe I was dealing with too many other issues, maybe I just wasn't ready. Whatever...the truth is: I was in denial. I've gained weight and I'm out of shape. Naked, I don't recognize myself. I can't see the younger woman I used to be.

Well, enough is enough. Beginning October 1, I committed to myself (and only myself) that I'd work out every day in October without fail. I made it until the 14th, when I got really sick with the flu. (I think I made myself sicker by thinking I was better on the 17th and worked out...not a good idea when you have the flu - I am really not 25 anymore and my body didn't forgive me for that one!) I stopped while I recovered, but starting yesterday, I was back at it. Just like the kids, I have 45 minutes minimum a day of exercise (but I'm shooting for 60+) .

No more denial.

I weigh too much and I'm out of shape, but I'm committed to doing something about it...no more excuses. I still won't get on a scale because the numbers don't matter the way the inches do. I will do this because I am dealing with reality...I need to do this to be the person I am inside...I need to make the inside match the outside. It is just that simple.

Thanks for listening...

7 comments:

Andrea said...

We all need to make the person inside shine!

Melissa Henning said...

Sounds totally retarded (and a little familiar...lol), but you can TOTALLY do this! You are a STAR! I'm right there with you girl, for whatever you need!

PlantSomeRoots@Lakewood said...

I wish you the best! You can do it!
Living it up at Lakewood,
Cindy

DarcyLee said...

Erin,
I so feel this post, unfortunately-lol! I think we get to a certain age and everything in our bodies start changing. I really need to start working out more, too, but have only been thinking about it lately, instead of doing anything about it. It's time! You go, girl!

Alicia said...

Erin...I can totally relate!! I need to make that commitment to myself to just START!!! You really made me open my eyes by this post. So brave of you to be so open!!!!! I love that!

generationsgoneby said...

Don't pick a weight. Pick a dress size. Let me explain. Like you, I decided to lose the baby weight. Not knowing what weight to pick, I picked a "healthy weight" from a height weight chart. I am small boned, and tall. I picked 140. Low for my height is 128 so that was not too low according to the chart. I lost weight and felt great but never got below 144. And a size 4. Yes, a size 4. I looked and felt great. But I could not lose that last 4 pounds. And so, I gained it all back. So wait until you get closer and let the clothes decide. This time, a size 6-8 will do. It's impossible to find size 4s in the stores. You can't have dessert in a size 4 and other women don't like you when you are a size 4.

n3isme said...

Just for the record I hadn't noticed any change in regards to your body. Just saying. But anyways, congratulations! You continue to be an inspiration to me.