Have you ever thought about denial? Have you ever noticed how easy it is to see when someone else is in denial, but incredibly difficult to see when you, yourself, are in denial? I've been grappling with the issue of denial for a while now. Denial = rationalizations for me. Recently, I've come to the uncomfortable realization that I've been rationalizing away a number of concerns, the most pressing of which has been my weight. It is too high...it is just that simple.
I was anorexic for a number of years, during which I also abused laxatives. To say I don't have a healthy relationship with body image would be an understatement. For years, relative youth kept my weight at a place I could, well, ignore. My muscles were tight and I didn't care about my abs because I was busy having and raising three children. I'm not relatively young anymore and I'm done carrying babies. My last baby was born more than 10 years ago.
Something happened this year...this summer saw me rationalizing away my flabby bottom, my bra strap bulges and my protruding lower belly. Maybe I was dealing with too many other issues, maybe I just wasn't ready. Whatever...the truth is: I was in denial. I've gained weight and I'm out of shape. Naked, I don't recognize myself. I can't see the younger woman I used to be.
Well, enough is enough. Beginning October 1, I committed to myself (and only myself) that I'd work out every day in October without fail. I made it until the 14th, when I got really sick with the flu. (I think I made myself sicker by thinking I was better on the 17th and worked out...not a good idea when you have the flu - I am really not 25 anymore and my body didn't forgive me for that one!) I stopped while I recovered, but starting yesterday, I was back at it. Just like the kids, I have 45 minutes minimum a day of exercise (but I'm shooting for 60+) .
No more denial.
I weigh too much and I'm out of shape, but I'm committed to doing something about it...no more excuses. I still won't get on a scale because the numbers don't matter the way the inches do. I will do this because I am dealing with reality...I need to do this to be the person I am inside...I need to make the inside match the outside. It is just that simple.
Thanks for listening...