Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Lost in Translation?


I've lost my voice these past few weeks. Truly. I can't seem to string together anything cohesive and find myself overwhelmed most of the time. Superman has been gone more than 3 months now and is finding our Skype conversations less than satisfactory. As I don't want to spend our brief times "together" whining about life at home, I just seem distracted for no reason. I don't tell him the real deal: Broken sprinklers, power failures, bugs/ants, plant disasters, broken bikes, broken vacuums, checks that never arrive in the mail, and children who swing back and forth between angelic and heads-spinning-around.

With the advent of spring, the house/yard needs new and different attention...all of it very labor intense. I'm feeling pulled in more directions than ever and the strain is starting to show. I fall to bed exhausted and wake up at the crack of dawn thinking about the things I didn't get done the day before. It is not just me, either. The kids are struggling with their normal school work these days. Their focus is just shot. The weather is beckoning them, just not for yard work. The girl is arguing with me about school almost every day and the boy is just quietly not getting stuff done.

I know I don't have it tough. I know I'm lucky to have a husband who is working so hard to help our family get out of debt and get ahead. (But right now I don't feel like I have a husband.) I know I'm lucky to have three healthy happy children. (But right now I feel like my children think I'm the enemy.) I know I'm lucky to have this beautiful house to live in. (But right now this house wants too much from me.) I know I'm lucky to have wonderful friends and neighbors. (But right now I feel invisible.) I know I'm just tired. I know I'll eventually have a minute to take a breath, to return a phone call, to sew something pretty...but right now, right this very minute, I am having trouble keeping things in perspective. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing beyond this moment. Right now, I've lost my voice...

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! let me know if we can help - I know you'll probably say, no, I'll manage, but seriously - we could even take the kids:) just like if they were toddlers and you needed someone else to be responsible for them for a moment -- away! Oh and I know your house has you maxed out, but perhaps if you want to come for a lunch visit, we can figure out a time - and as further incentive, tell Buttercup we have brand new kittens! - Kris

Dani Joy said...

ooooo! I was so feeling this way at the beginning of this month. I totally felt pulled in every direction. but my hubby isn´t far away. I totally feel for you. Big hugs, Erin. Sorry I have been absent from visiting. I just have been like you said "lost in the traslation"

We had a ladies retreat this past weekend and I had some real needed quiet time. Nothing has really changed in our home but, I see more clearly now.

Big hugs,
Dani Joy

Tricia said...

Erin, when I read this post, I felt several things...sympathy (my heart felt bad for you), empathy (I've been there, too, in some of those areas) and guilt (I haven't been there for you). I've been so caught up in all the things I've been trying to get done around here that I have neglected my friends. I could hardly believe it when you said Superman has been gone more than 3 months already! I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have your life partner separated from you by oceans and continents for so long. Please forgive me for being an absent friend. I will drop everything the moment you say the word and we can have an old-fashioned girly heart-to-heart. Even if it can't be in person sitting in the yard with a glass of iced tea (remember?), we can pretend...Call me whenever, 24/7/365!

DarcyLee said...

We, too, are going through a tough time (just a different one), and I can feel for you, although my husband isn't far away. I think that makes it doubly hard but hang in there, my friend. We are all pulling for you!

loveaphid said...

You KNOW I can relate (well at least to the crazy!). Try to take some time for your self. Valiant is a big boy he can watch Buttercup. I wish I was there. We could go get pedicures and rant about men, moods, money and melancholy.
Love you lots... you know where I am if you need me. I'll keep trying to call and maybe, just maybe you'll be able to talk. No worries if you can't though, not adding another log to that fire.

Andrea said...

I can not even imagine having my husband a long way away! I am praying for you and the kids. Hang in there!
Blessings,
andrea

generationsgoneby said...

Erin,
Do you feel like MAYBE, JUST MAYBE without you complaining about the every day problems you are facing that Superman doesn't feel like he has a wife right now either? We all want to play nice when spouses have to be away, but for long periods like this, perhaps what he really needs from you (and you need from him) is a little normality. You know a little B*****ing. Sorry, but it's true. He's used to you complaining about those things and him making them better. It makes him feel all Supermanly and perhaps he's not feeling so Supermanly right now either. Maybe your voice is being sniffled by the need to play nice, when what you need to do is play honest. I bet Superman will still love you when its all said and done.

sewducky said...

Feel free to email, or email and I'll give you my number and you can call anytime, since I'm up all night, I'm the good friend at 4 am that will talk.

Sorry to hear it's been so rough on you.

Alicia said...

It really is a big sacrifice for you all for your husband to be away. I remember when my husband worked overtime in the evenings, and I was complaining that I felt like a single mom. It's so hard to do things on your own (and mine was just got for a few extra hours). I can imagine how you are feeling, plus on top of that, homeschooling. That is a challenge in itself. You said it so perfectly about "quietly not getting anything done." My eldest does that!! So frustrating!