Cell Phones, Interpersonal Skills, and Rudeness

Now that I've well and truly entered the world of parenting teenagers, I've really been struggling to deal with the courtesy standards of cell phones/smart phones.  My 16-year old son, Valiant, is the proud possessor of a smart phone.  While I know this is much later than some of you have granted this privilege to their children, Superman and I feel pretty strongly that these phones are privileges kids have to earn.  With this phone, not only can Valiant text quickly to his friends, he can watch videos, play games, and read his email anywhere he'd like.  This newfound ability is requiring us, as parents, to come up with a whole new paradigm for etiquette concerning cell phone usage. 

After watching how Valiant and his friends use their phones, I've come to one simple conclusion:  Texting back and forth while you are with other people is no different than being in a group at the table and obviously whispering with someone.  We teach our children that it is rude to whisper when in a group; that pointedly excluding people is hurtful and rude.  When my son is texting back and forth with his friends, he chuckles, he chortles, he smirks, and the people sitting right next to him have no idea what is going, what is so funny.  I found it very disconcerting to realize I was feeling excluded, left out, and, more importantly, hurt by the feeling of exclusion.

Have you ever been to lunch with a friend and seen them set their phone on the table next to them?  As the meal goes on, you become aware that their eyes are darting to the phone with certain regularity.  Then, without warning, a beep, a tone, a vibration, and your friend says, "Excuse me," and, picking up the phone, texts a little something, smiles, and sets the phone back down.  Another beep, another text, and it may or may not be done at that.  You don't ask, because it is rude to inquire about a private exchange, but...it was rude for that conversation to have happened in front of you. 

Maybe you are the person tied to your phone.  Maybe you constantly check for a text.   I wonder, though, how many of us have thought this through.   I don't know.  I just know that as I look around, I see this happening more and more.  Mothers pushing strollers while having energetic conversations via blue tooth, while the occupant of the stroller goes unacknowledged.  A group of kids standing next to each other, completely ignoring each other in favor of the handheld device in their palm.  A teenaged couple sharing a table and one or both are busily texting.  A modern-day date?  Um, I'm glad I'm from the Dark Ages.  That just doesn't sound fun to me.

Interpersonal relations?  More like parallel play.

We are marginalizing the people we spend time with in favor of the people who are connected to us by technology.

I recognize that our manners, our standards of etiquette, have not kept pace with our technological advances, but I think we need to try harder to treat the people in front of us, right there with us, with courtesy.  The truth of the matter, as I see it, is that cell phones/smart phones have allowed us to treat the people we're with poorly.  Whether they are our friends, our parents, the cashier at the grocery store, we really need to remember that the people in front of us deserve our full attention and to give them anything less is downright rude. 

My Monday Musings - Time Marches On...

Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.

- Henry Miller

Yesterday, Buttercup advised me that she's not going to be replacing Biscuit when her beloved hamster dies. While this may not seem like a big deal to you, this is monumental in our house. We've had hamsters since Buttercup was in kindergarten. The American Girl dolls were packed away this winter; settling in for the long wait for Buttercup's own children.

The army men and the Lincoln logs didn't get unpacked last summer. No rubber band ammunition came out. Army men and Lincoln logs have been a part of our lives for so long and, yet, their time has come. Even the Legos don't come much these days. (I'm thinking as cat chew toys doesn't count, right?) Valiant, too, is packing up favorites...favorite books, favorite toys...just not favorites for this time in his life.

Charming's beloved whales, novels, and drawings have been packed away for two years now. Even his silly dinosaur bank has been saved for sometime in the future.

I have a box in which I've packed away one of my own baby dresses, one of my brother's baby outfits, and a favorite outfit from each of my children's baby years. A few baby blankets and a beloved mobile round out the baby box and the baby years for two generations are tucked away

And just like that, the baby/little kid years are gone from the Nagle5 household.

As I sat there in the kitchen last night, discussing with Buttercup her decision to let Biscuit be her last hamster, I was struck by how much my children have grown up in these past few years. Oh, I knew they were growing up. After all, I'd had a mini breakdown when I sent Charming off to college that first fall. Even then, the progression was clear: Charming, Valiant, and finally Buttercup would all grow up. And yet... How quickly the time has passed between longing for a moment of quiet and wondering where all the play went. Oh, I know to the mother of younger children quiet is a longed for household attribute (if even for a moment) and I'm not saying I wish for a house full of shrieking children. I'm stopping, pausing if you will, to acknowledge the passage of time, the changing of seasons in my children's lives.

When my boys were little, I would receive negative comments regarding the fact that they are (deliberately) five years apart. "Oh, you're going to be back in diapers again!" "Oh, you're going to be housebound again!" "All that baby stuff." These were often quickly followed up with, "That is why I had my babies close together, so I could just get it all over with." As you can imagine, these same people were stunned, when almost three years later we welcomed Buttercup. Yep, more diapers, more home time, more baby stuff...another baby in the house.

Those days are past and we've entered a new phase in our family. Charming graduates from college in less than two weeks and fast on his heels, Valiant is already talking about driving and girls. The boys in the neighborhood are on the move and not content to hang out in the cul de sac anymore. Bikes are de rigueur Buttercup, too, has let me know she's putting away her "little girl" years. The talk is now about which friends wear make-up, wear bras, and are boy-crazy.

This is such an exciting time for my children, but can it be exciting for me, too? Oh, yes! No, I have no more cuddly babies, but my time spent with my neighbor's adorable baby boy has cemented for me the fact that the season for babies of my own is long gone. I am so glad I spread my children out, enjoying each of them in the various "stages" of babyhood, but I am done. I'm loving the time I do things with my children, not just do things for my children. I celebrate as these amazing "former cuddly babies" of mine reach new milestones of their own. I am excited to see them set bars to reach of their own and surprise themselves with what they can do. I encourage them to look forward with enthusiasm. I've done my job well, despite the ups and the downs, and they're amazing people for whom I'm filled with admiration. I like spending time with my children as individuals, not just my children. How cool is that?

As my last baby showed me last night, time is marching on in the Nagle5 household. I want to be part of the parade, but I'll let them choose our route in this uncharted territory.

Okay, Talk to Me...

As I'm sure you are aware, a lot of Mommy bloggers are parents of young children. I think in a way, it is easier to write about your life when your children are younger. Those of us who are parents of older children walk a very fine line as we try to share our lives without invading our children's privacy. What that means, however, is that we have very little in the way of exchanging parenting information and advice. I think that stinks. So, without breaching any confidences and without embarrassing anyone, I am going to share with you a few of my parenting dilemmas in hopes that a) I'll discover I am really NOT alone in this and b) someone will have an amazing pearl of wisdom that will magically solve my problem(s).

Here is my dilemma today. How do we raise our children to fit in with their peers even as we want them to reject the "I have this cool gadget thing so I'm better than you" mentality that seems so pervasive. We know things shouldn't trump character, but the kids are blinded by the shiny things. The current gagdet setting the Middle School set on fire? An iPod Touch. Yep. In addition to cell phones from which you need to text incessantly, apparently cool factor is measured by possession of an iPod Touch--to the tune of $200-$300. Valiant doesn't want a cell phone for texting, but, man, is he lusting after an iPod Touch. He really, really wants one. There is just one little thing. He doesn't really want it for the applications (of which he knows very little). He really wants it because it is a cool little gadget that confers a certain status on the possessor's of said gadget. Never mind that he's the only kid in the neighborhood with a job and his would come out of his own money, while all the other children have parents who buy this stuff for their kids. Intellectually, my boy totally understands that these kids are riding on Mommy and Daddy's coattails and shouldn't be bragging, but the truth doesn't change anything. Kids want to appear "cool" in the eyes of other kids.

You and I both know that next year there will be the next "cool" thing and having an iPod touch will be a snooze, but the male teenage heart aches. The truth? My heart aches for him, even as I see how stupid it all is.

So tell me, bloggy world, what is a mother to do? Do I let him spend $200+ of his hard-earned money on this, knowing full well he'll wish he hadn't in two months? Do I stick to my guns and say, "you're going to want to drive in 2 years and you'll want a car". I know lots of you have older kids...I can't be the only one out there.

When saying "No" is going to start a war...

...or...it is a good thing parenting isn't a popularity contest.

Superman and I have come to a decision that is going to make Valiant (especially) and Buttercup extremely unhappy. I might even be so bold as to say that are going to be angry, rail at how unfair we are, how out of touch we are, and how generally how unreasonable we are. There will be tears and foot stomping, but to no avail...we have decided and that is going to be that.

What will this epic battle be over? Something simple, really. We have decided that we will not let the children spend any more of their money (gifted or hard-earned) on Webkinz - period. Why? Because after careful consideration, the Webkinz business model, like Pokemon and YuGiOh before it, is in direct conflict with the values we are trying to instill in our children. Namely, more is not always better, just because something is popular doesn't make it worthwhile, and buying something today just because it won't have be available tomorrow isn't a good enough reason.

Webkinz is a worldwide phenomenon. Webkinz is also, in my opinion, a racket that my children (and millions of other children) cheerfully throw their money into. For those of you lucky enough to not know about Webkinz, let me explain how it works: You have to buy a certain type of stuffed animal (a Webkinz) to get a code that allows you to play an online game. Once you are online, the more animals you have, the more access you have to the game. Then, to add to the mix, they have web-only animals (that's right, no toy) that cost just as much as one of the stuffed animals that give you more and a different access to the game. The kicker? The stuffes animals cost between $8 and $16 EACH. After Christmas, my children used a large portion of their Christmas money to buy these Webkinz - do the math, they each have four or five of these things - and, at that point, I put a stop to it. Enough is enough, I thought, we're done. Well, here we are, less than two months later, and they need more Webkinz and we're going to tell them "no".

Now, don't get me wrong. Up to a certain extent, I am completely in favor of spending a small percentage of your income on entertainment and I am not going to decide for you what entertainment you choose (obviously, within reason). At this point, however, winter is almost over. Internet time is winding down, and I think this is a poor use of their money. So, Valiant is going to pull the "it is my birthday card" because he'll be 13 on Monday and Buttercup is going to pull the "friends are doing it, too" card to no avail.

When I'm tempted to give in, I'll just remember that my job is not to be their best buddy, their nicest friend, or a generous aunt. No, my job is to raise capable adults who have the skills to lead adult lives, even if the journey isn't always fun. It is a good thing parenting is not a popularity contest because I don't think I'll get anyone's vote this weekend.