Cell Phones, Interpersonal Skills, and Rudeness

Now that I've well and truly entered the world of parenting teenagers, I've really been struggling to deal with the courtesy standards of cell phones/smart phones.  My 16-year old son, Valiant, is the proud possessor of a smart phone.  While I know this is much later than some of you have granted this privilege to their children, Superman and I feel pretty strongly that these phones are privileges kids have to earn.  With this phone, not only can Valiant text quickly to his friends, he can watch videos, play games, and read his email anywhere he'd like.  This newfound ability is requiring us, as parents, to come up with a whole new paradigm for etiquette concerning cell phone usage. 

After watching how Valiant and his friends use their phones, I've come to one simple conclusion:  Texting back and forth while you are with other people is no different than being in a group at the table and obviously whispering with someone.  We teach our children that it is rude to whisper when in a group; that pointedly excluding people is hurtful and rude.  When my son is texting back and forth with his friends, he chuckles, he chortles, he smirks, and the people sitting right next to him have no idea what is going, what is so funny.  I found it very disconcerting to realize I was feeling excluded, left out, and, more importantly, hurt by the feeling of exclusion.

Have you ever been to lunch with a friend and seen them set their phone on the table next to them?  As the meal goes on, you become aware that their eyes are darting to the phone with certain regularity.  Then, without warning, a beep, a tone, a vibration, and your friend says, "Excuse me," and, picking up the phone, texts a little something, smiles, and sets the phone back down.  Another beep, another text, and it may or may not be done at that.  You don't ask, because it is rude to inquire about a private exchange, but...it was rude for that conversation to have happened in front of you. 

Maybe you are the person tied to your phone.  Maybe you constantly check for a text.   I wonder, though, how many of us have thought this through.   I don't know.  I just know that as I look around, I see this happening more and more.  Mothers pushing strollers while having energetic conversations via blue tooth, while the occupant of the stroller goes unacknowledged.  A group of kids standing next to each other, completely ignoring each other in favor of the handheld device in their palm.  A teenaged couple sharing a table and one or both are busily texting.  A modern-day date?  Um, I'm glad I'm from the Dark Ages.  That just doesn't sound fun to me.

Interpersonal relations?  More like parallel play.

We are marginalizing the people we spend time with in favor of the people who are connected to us by technology.

I recognize that our manners, our standards of etiquette, have not kept pace with our technological advances, but I think we need to try harder to treat the people in front of us, right there with us, with courtesy.  The truth of the matter, as I see it, is that cell phones/smart phones have allowed us to treat the people we're with poorly.  Whether they are our friends, our parents, the cashier at the grocery store, we really need to remember that the people in front of us deserve our full attention and to give them anything less is downright rude. 

Monday Musings - Please Hang Up

Walking through a grocery store recently, my eyes landed on an adorable baby...gurgling and cooing and laughing up at its mother.  I immediately remembered all the trips to the grocery store that I took with my babies..."discussing" our grocery list, the quality of the produce, and making "conversation" during the entire trip.  It was a wonderful time with each of them.  The mother, unfortunately, never once even made eye contact with the baby, let alone responded to her baby.  Why?  She was on her blue tooth and carrying on an animated conversation with someone on the other end.  She was laughing and gesturing and her baby was trying to participate, but to no avail.  The mother was ignoring the baby in favor of her phone conversation.  It was so sad.  How long before the baby stops trying and just sits like a lump in a car seat?

This scene was not unique.  I see it all the time.  I see it when mothers are priding themselves on taking daily walks with their babies only to be on the phone during the entire outing and, again, not interacting with their baby at all.  Um, I don't think you really get kudos for that...it isn't really "quality time".  How are these babies going to be socialized properly?  How are they going to understand the give and take of communication?  The lack parental response to the baby's attempts to communicate with them has got to have a negative effect on these children.  This is when synapses and neurons are making those vital connections in the brain.  It is when attachment is formed and, yet, the baby is being ignored.   It used to be that mothers and babies babbled to each other all day long.  Cooking, cleaning, shopping, visiting other adults and children...verbal communication was a constant give and take, even though the baby wasn't very verbal.   In that way, children learn the give and take of communication, as well as the nuances of unspoken communication.  All this is lost when mothers don't recognize/notice and fail to respond to these emerging communicators.  And we're sacrificing this so we can be on the phone longer?  Seriously? 

Washington has a hands-free law, too, which means people are driving around with blue tooth devices in their ears all the time.  In theory, this is a great thing, right?  Their hands are on the wheels after all.  Unfortunately, their attention is still not on the road.  I've been cut off by people talking on their blue-tooth devices more times than I can even guess.  If you're focused on a phone conversation, you're not focused on the road.  It is just that simple.  Oh, and to the person in the blue sedan who turned into my lane in the parking lot without ever even looking my direction because your phone conversation was oh-so-important:  You're welcome.  I saw you walking to your car when I was walking to my car with my kids.  I heard you talking on the phone as you walked to the car, and noticed that you continued your conversation as you blithely pulled into the traffic lane without turning your head. I told my kids to keep an eye on you because you weren't paying attention to driving and I was correct.  It was fortunate for you that I was paying attention and realized that you weren't, because, in a contest between my big Suburban and your little sedan, there is no doubt who would have won.

Oh, and let's not forget the people who are chatting away on their cell phones as they go through check out lines, go through drive through, and are just walking through the aisles of a store.  Why don't you notice that it is absolutely the height of rudeness to continue speaking on the telephone when someone is serving you?  Do people not realize that the person ringing up their groceries, taking their order, or processing their prescriptions or dry-cleaning are people and, therefore, deserving the courtesy of attention for the 2 minutes they will serve them?

So, this is my question:  What will it take to get all of you to just please hang up?  Seriously.  You're on the phone all the time.  The people in your ear are far more important to you that the people standing (or sitting) in front of you.  The conversation you're having is far more important that the road and the cars you're sharing it with.  What can be so important?  Please hang up the phone.  Interact with the people you're actually with.  Your children will thank you.  The other drivers on the road will thank you.  The people who serve you daily will thank you.  Just think of all that positive energy that will be headed your way.