Okay, so I've been thinking about this for a while, but I didn't want to be a Halloween downer. A Great Pumpkin naysayer. A "Grinch" out of time. Still, I've just got to talk about it.
I find that I can't "do" Halloween anymore. No, seriously. I love getting the kids all "costumed up", decorating the house with pumpkins and kitties and not-scary ghosties, but when it comes to trick-or-treating (or the oh-so-silly harvest festivals), I hit a full-stop. My conscience kicks in and screams "this is wrong". No, not for religious reasons.
For basic values reasons...
I find that I can't, in good conscience, hand out tons of candy to kids when I think it is so terribly bad for them. Day in and day out we are bombarded with information about and images of obese or overweight children. How can I possibly be celebrating them by handing them fistfuls of candy (or encouraging others to do so)?
I've thought a lot about this. Really. I've talked to others about this and a few things become clear: When we were kids (back when the dinosaurs had recently given up control of the earth and Thomas Edison was close to inventing the lightbulb), candy was not a daily treat. No. In fact, I think Halloween and Easter were the "candy" holidays. Oh, you might have gotten a little bit in your Christmas stocking or a little Valentine's treat, but that was it. Teachers didn't hand it out for behaving (don't get me started) and moms didn't keep it at home for us. Nope. For the average kid, candy was a "once in a blue moon" treat, which is why trick-or-treating was so amazing. Candy...lots of it...over-flowing...we had stars in our eyes. We also knew we wouldn't being seeing candy again for a while.
Fast forward a number of years (okay, a lot of years) and candy is ubiquitous. Teachers hand candy out to students for all kinds of things. Parents think nothing of the little bag of M&Ms or whatever on a daily basis. Candy is everywhere, all the time. And our children are suffering. A lot.
So, for me, I just can't do it. I can't give out candy.
This year, we did our 2nd Annual "Dress-up" for Halloween and I took the kids out for a fancy-ish dinner in their finery and then we went to a movie. They loved it. Buttercup spent two weeks putting the finishing touches on her outfit, I pinky-promised to wear a dress (and did), and Valiant wore dress clothes, too (no tie...it was supposed to be fun!). Even Charming joined us for the evening. I got us home far past the time last trick-or-treater would have been ringing my doorbell (not answering on Halloween makes me feel horrible). I know it is not perfect, but I think we're going to fine tune this new "tradition" and make it a keeper. It works for us. (I know it would be more difficult if my children were younger...costumes are just so fun and I don't know how I'd explain why we didn't dress-up...maybe we'd begin hosting a party for families...I just don't know.)
So, what about you? How do you reconcile it all? Or do you think I'm making much ado about nothing? Tell me, what do you think?
Showing posts with label monday musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monday musings. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday Musings - Please Hang Up
Walking through a grocery store recently, my eyes landed on an adorable baby...gurgling and cooing and laughing up at its mother. I immediately remembered all the trips to the grocery store that I took with my babies..."discussing" our grocery list, the quality of the produce, and making "conversation" during the entire trip. It was a wonderful time with each of them. The mother, unfortunately, never once even made eye contact with the baby, let alone responded to her baby. Why? She was on her blue tooth and carrying on an animated conversation with someone on the other end. She was laughing and gesturing and her baby was trying to participate, but to no avail. The mother was ignoring the baby in favor of her phone conversation. It was so sad. How long before the baby stops trying and just sits like a lump in a car seat?
This scene was not unique. I see it all the time. I see it when mothers are priding themselves on taking daily walks with their babies only to be on the phone during the entire outing and, again, not interacting with their baby at all. Um, I don't think you really get kudos for that...it isn't really "quality time". How are these babies going to be socialized properly? How are they going to understand the give and take of communication? The lack parental response to the baby's attempts to communicate with them has got to have a negative effect on these children. This is when synapses and neurons are making those vital connections in the brain. It is when attachment is formed and, yet, the baby is being ignored. It used to be that mothers and babies babbled to each other all day long. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, visiting other adults and children...verbal communication was a constant give and take, even though the baby wasn't very verbal. In that way, children learn the give and take of communication, as well as the nuances of unspoken communication. All this is lost when mothers don't recognize/notice and fail to respond to these emerging communicators. And we're sacrificing this so we can be on the phone longer? Seriously?
Washington has a hands-free law, too, which means people are driving around with blue tooth devices in their ears all the time. In theory, this is a great thing, right? Their hands are on the wheels after all. Unfortunately, their attention is still not on the road. I've been cut off by people talking on their blue-tooth devices more times than I can even guess. If you're focused on a phone conversation, you're not focused on the road. It is just that simple. Oh, and to the person in the blue sedan who turned into my lane in the parking lot without ever even looking my direction because your phone conversation was oh-so-important: You're welcome. I saw you walking to your car when I was walking to my car with my kids. I heard you talking on the phone as you walked to the car, and noticed that you continued your conversation as you blithely pulled into the traffic lane without turning your head. I told my kids to keep an eye on you because you weren't paying attention to driving and I was correct. It was fortunate for you that I was paying attention and realized that you weren't, because, in a contest between my big Suburban and your little sedan, there is no doubt who would have won.
Oh, and let's not forget the people who are chatting away on their cell phones as they go through check out lines, go through drive through, and are just walking through the aisles of a store. Why don't you notice that it is absolutely the height of rudeness to continue speaking on the telephone when someone is serving you? Do people not realize that the person ringing up their groceries, taking their order, or processing their prescriptions or dry-cleaning are people and, therefore, deserving the courtesy of attention for the 2 minutes they will serve them?
So, this is my question: What will it take to get all of you to just please hang up? Seriously. You're on the phone all the time. The people in your ear are far more important to you that the people standing (or sitting) in front of you. The conversation you're having is far more important that the road and the cars you're sharing it with. What can be so important? Please hang up the phone. Interact with the people you're actually with. Your children will thank you. The other drivers on the road will thank you. The people who serve you daily will thank you. Just think of all that positive energy that will be headed your way.
This scene was not unique. I see it all the time. I see it when mothers are priding themselves on taking daily walks with their babies only to be on the phone during the entire outing and, again, not interacting with their baby at all. Um, I don't think you really get kudos for that...it isn't really "quality time". How are these babies going to be socialized properly? How are they going to understand the give and take of communication? The lack parental response to the baby's attempts to communicate with them has got to have a negative effect on these children. This is when synapses and neurons are making those vital connections in the brain. It is when attachment is formed and, yet, the baby is being ignored. It used to be that mothers and babies babbled to each other all day long. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, visiting other adults and children...verbal communication was a constant give and take, even though the baby wasn't very verbal. In that way, children learn the give and take of communication, as well as the nuances of unspoken communication. All this is lost when mothers don't recognize/notice and fail to respond to these emerging communicators. And we're sacrificing this so we can be on the phone longer? Seriously?
Washington has a hands-free law, too, which means people are driving around with blue tooth devices in their ears all the time. In theory, this is a great thing, right? Their hands are on the wheels after all. Unfortunately, their attention is still not on the road. I've been cut off by people talking on their blue-tooth devices more times than I can even guess. If you're focused on a phone conversation, you're not focused on the road. It is just that simple. Oh, and to the person in the blue sedan who turned into my lane in the parking lot without ever even looking my direction because your phone conversation was oh-so-important: You're welcome. I saw you walking to your car when I was walking to my car with my kids. I heard you talking on the phone as you walked to the car, and noticed that you continued your conversation as you blithely pulled into the traffic lane without turning your head. I told my kids to keep an eye on you because you weren't paying attention to driving and I was correct. It was fortunate for you that I was paying attention and realized that you weren't, because, in a contest between my big Suburban and your little sedan, there is no doubt who would have won.
Oh, and let's not forget the people who are chatting away on their cell phones as they go through check out lines, go through drive through, and are just walking through the aisles of a store. Why don't you notice that it is absolutely the height of rudeness to continue speaking on the telephone when someone is serving you? Do people not realize that the person ringing up their groceries, taking their order, or processing their prescriptions or dry-cleaning are people and, therefore, deserving the courtesy of attention for the 2 minutes they will serve them?
So, this is my question: What will it take to get all of you to just please hang up? Seriously. You're on the phone all the time. The people in your ear are far more important to you that the people standing (or sitting) in front of you. The conversation you're having is far more important that the road and the cars you're sharing it with. What can be so important? Please hang up the phone. Interact with the people you're actually with. Your children will thank you. The other drivers on the road will thank you. The people who serve you daily will thank you. Just think of all that positive energy that will be headed your way.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday Musings - Would You Hire YOU?
Superman and I were discussing home improvement projects the other day and Superman said something that has been bouncing around in my head ever since. With respect to paying someone to work for you, he said, "You pay people thousands of dollars to do the job and you don't want to have to worry about the job. At that point, you just expect it to be handled." He's absolutely correct. On the rare occasions that we've paid someone to perform work for us, we've just expected it to be done expediently and correctly. Once we've made the decision to let someone else handle it, we pick someone to do the job that will, in fact, do the job, thereby freeing us to move on to something else.That conversation got me thinking about work we don't pay someone else to do. Work we've held onto as our responsibility and how we handle that responsibility. I was looking at my bathroom (my not-so-secret shame) and thinking that I would definitely NOT hire me to clean bathrooms. I just don't clean them enough. Seriously.
That is how it started. After that, I assessed my performance as I performed all sorts of everyday tasks. In some cases, I was pleased by my performance evaluations. In others, a bit chagrined.
Here is what I concluded: I'm an okay jane-of-all trades housekeeper, but I still have stuff to learn from Aunt Bee and June Cleaver. I would NOT hire me to clean floors, but I would DEFINITELY hire me for vacuuming. Dusting? Once a week has to be good enough. Windows? Uh, moving right along. Cook? I would hire me to cook if you like "plain" fare, but if you're looking for exotic meals, I'm not your girl. Kitchen maid? My kitchen is clean and organized. Laundress? I am your girl. Bookkeeper? For plain-vanilla record keeping, I'm definitely worth hiring, but that is partly because I'm really good at the next task. Organizer? I would not hesitate to hire me to keep the house organized, too. Gardening and yard work? Not so much, but I'd make a really good apprentice (I have the desire and commitment, but not the know-how.) Auto Maintenance? LOL! We pay people to do that!
What about all these other jobs? Financial Manager? Supply Officer? Wardrobe Mistress? Fitness coach? Nutritionist? Social Director? What is it you do all day and are you doing it well enough that you'd hire yourself to do the quality of work you give to yourself and your family? Have you ever thought about it in those terms?
In this day and age, we all have the option of working outside the home or staying in the home. We also have the option of having smaller homes or larger homes. How many of us, however, treat the tasks we have in conjunction with those choices as jobs we've agreed to do. Using my bathroom example (yes, I'll take one for the team here): By failing to clean my bathrooms often enough, I am failing to do a job I was "hired" to do when Superman and I agreed that I would stop working outside the home and takeover the home-caring duties. No one forced me into this "job". I chose it very deliberately. I worked outside the home (in offices) for 20 years. Filing was boring, but I never would have refused to do my filing on the grounds that I "just am a slacker in that area", so why is it that I think it is okay to shirk my bathroom cleaning duties?
It comes down to these ideas:
Acceptance of responsibility: It really is my job and I agreed to do it when I accepted the job. I doubt Aunt Bee complained to Sheriff Andy that she didn't feel like cooking dinner for Opie and him.
Objective assessment: Would I pay someone to do the job I'm doing? (Um, in the case of my bathrooms...yes, I'd pay someone to do the job I'm doing, but she'd need to show up to work more frequently.) I doubt June Cleaver was ever embarrassed to have someone see her "cat bathroom".
Prioritization and Standards: I have to decide if a certain task really needs to be done (and how frequently). Some things don't really need to be done. What do I mean? I really, really didn't want to be a "Pool and Spa Boy" a few years ago, but Superman's job was leaving him with insufficient time to handle the job himself. (It had been his job.) After a summer of inadequacy (and a green pool), I convinced Superman that since neither of us wanted to be the "Pool Boy", we should just get rid of the pool. Oh, the feeling of release that came when that happy young family took off with our pool. I can't tell you. No longer did we have a job that we did poorly, instead the job went along with the pool. In short order, we figured out neither of us wanted to be the "Spa Boy", either, so the hot tub left a few months later. In effect, we "quit" those jobs.
Caring for a home is a job made up of many different jobs that you've accepted when you made the decision to live someplace that doesn't, in fact, have full time housekeeping. It is just the way it is. No more excuses...you wouldn't accept them from somebody you were paying to do the job, so why are you accepting them from yourself?
Me? I'm just not getting the bathrooms cleaned frequently enough and I'm unwilling to get rid of them, so I've got to stop doing such a poor job. I signed up for this.
My post actually ties in nicely with Momstheword's Making Your Home Sing Monday post this week, so I'm linking to her meme. She's got some really good thoughts about "taking back your home". (I guess we were both looking around and assessing what we could do better this week!)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday Musings - Cohesion and Clarity of Purpose
How many times have you heard something like this: Couple achieves tremendous professional and economic success and laments the loss of the modest life they had when they were first married...striving together to succeed...struggling to make ends meet...joyous in their tiny home. Couple is materially happy, but little more than roommates at the end of the journey.
I don't want that to be how my/our story ends.
Before Superman accepted this position overseas, we were floundering. Our family was suffering. Even though he came home from work everyday, Superman seemed, well, absent in our lives. More often than not, I was lonely. The kids felt almost fatherless. It was all very difficult. Even worse? Superman couldn't understand what I was trying to say when I was bringing my concerns to him. How could this be happening to my family? to my marriage? What was going on? My husband loved me and I loved him. We loved our kids. And yet, neither of us seemed to be the way we had been...it seemed so strange.
Fast forward one year and my faith has been renewed. My marriage feels stronger than it has been in years and my kids feel closer to their father than they have in a long time. My husband talks with me and hears me. How can this be? Superman is 10,000+ miles from home; only spending two weeks in the last 8 months with his wife and children. How can we have grown closer with such distance between us. Yet, it is true... all of us are happier.
Confused? I was. So I started thinking about what had happened. Thinking about those stories of couples who've achieved success only to realize they were happier before such "blessings". Thinking about the stories of people who've stayed happily married for decades and thinking about people who've stayed married even as they've watched their marriages slip away. What was the difference? I knew there was an answer, if I could just find it.
What would make people look back to a time of little material success and reminisce so fondly? What is the common thread for those who transcend those problems?
It is cohesion and clarity of purpose.
Cohesion - the act or state of cohering, uniting, or sticking together. Clarity - clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding.
The answer is not letting go of that state of working together with clear understanding and agreement of your goals.
It seems to me that the people who look back so longingly at the "early years" of their marriages are looking at those years in which they and their spouse had cohesion and clarity of purpose as they worked together for their goals. Their partnership was vitally significant, no one role more important than the other and the results of their efforts were easily perceived. Being able to make the rent each month, being able to have enough diapers and formula for a baby, buying your first home, these things are measurable accomplishments that required the combined efforts and focus of both partners in the marriage. Even more importantly, the goals required that focus remained at home. Yes, one or both partners worked out of the home, but the consequences of that work were immediately tangible in lifestyle. An extra hour at work (with overtime!) is easily translated to a box of diapers, gas in the tank, or some other vital part of daily life. Money saved by couponing is, likewise, seen as having an immediately evident positive effect. Those feelings of working together towards oh-so-necessary goals is one of joy, isn't it?
So, where does all that joy go? How can we go from those feelings to feeling of distance, disconnection, and isolation?
I think it happens because those basic goals are met and we don't have clarity of purpose for the next steps. We have no cohesion. We might be a united front, but we're not united. To be blunt, we're no longer working together. Instead we're working next to each other. To use my own marriage as an example, Superman was working so hard at work, doing what he thought he had to do, giving all he had to give at work. Unfortunately, that meant he had nothing left to give at home and didn't think he had anything to do that was as important at home. Me? I was working so hard to turn our new house into our home and raising our children, caring for our pets, and caring for him, that I couldn't see how I could do more. Except more wasn't what was needed. Neither Superman nor I needed to give more. In fact, we needed to give less. We needed to slow down, work "easier", and talk more. We needed to design the next phase of our family's life rather than both of us just assuming we knew what the other one intended or expected for/of us.
Without cohesion, our efforts weren't actually getting the results we wanted. Without clarity of purpose, our marriage wasn't enriching our family. With our only contact now being deliberate, purposeful contact (via Skype), our conversations have become far more than "the kids have a doctor's appt tomorrow/I have a meeting at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow". They are back to being more "what do we want our lives to look like in five years?" types of conversations. United in the goal of healing our marriage and family, paying off our debt, and positioning our selves for the next 20 years we'll spend together, we're not making assumptions that we know what the other is thinking. We're once again creating cohesion in our marriage and, once again, we're feeling the deep-seated contentment that comes with that journey.
Cohesion and clarity of purpose...it seems so simple, yet so many of us don't even realize when it fades away or is drowned out by the demands of daily life.
I wonder how many of us could improve our relationships with deliberate cohesion and clarity of purpose...how many of us would take that fork in the road that we're too busy to even see most of the time...how much internal contentment we could reap with the deliberate attention focused on regaining that which we had at the beginning of this journey? It is worth thinking about, isn't it?
(Photo: Escher Relativity in Legos)
Before Superman accepted this position overseas, we were floundering. Our family was suffering. Even though he came home from work everyday, Superman seemed, well, absent in our lives. More often than not, I was lonely. The kids felt almost fatherless. It was all very difficult. Even worse? Superman couldn't understand what I was trying to say when I was bringing my concerns to him. How could this be happening to my family? to my marriage? What was going on? My husband loved me and I loved him. We loved our kids. And yet, neither of us seemed to be the way we had been...it seemed so strange.
Fast forward one year and my faith has been renewed. My marriage feels stronger than it has been in years and my kids feel closer to their father than they have in a long time. My husband talks with me and hears me. How can this be? Superman is 10,000+ miles from home; only spending two weeks in the last 8 months with his wife and children. How can we have grown closer with such distance between us. Yet, it is true... all of us are happier.
Confused? I was. So I started thinking about what had happened. Thinking about those stories of couples who've achieved success only to realize they were happier before such "blessings". Thinking about the stories of people who've stayed happily married for decades and thinking about people who've stayed married even as they've watched their marriages slip away. What was the difference? I knew there was an answer, if I could just find it.
What would make people look back to a time of little material success and reminisce so fondly? What is the common thread for those who transcend those problems?
It is cohesion and clarity of purpose.
Cohesion - the act or state of cohering, uniting, or sticking together. Clarity - clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding.
The answer is not letting go of that state of working together with clear understanding and agreement of your goals.
It seems to me that the people who look back so longingly at the "early years" of their marriages are looking at those years in which they and their spouse had cohesion and clarity of purpose as they worked together for their goals. Their partnership was vitally significant, no one role more important than the other and the results of their efforts were easily perceived. Being able to make the rent each month, being able to have enough diapers and formula for a baby, buying your first home, these things are measurable accomplishments that required the combined efforts and focus of both partners in the marriage. Even more importantly, the goals required that focus remained at home. Yes, one or both partners worked out of the home, but the consequences of that work were immediately tangible in lifestyle. An extra hour at work (with overtime!) is easily translated to a box of diapers, gas in the tank, or some other vital part of daily life. Money saved by couponing is, likewise, seen as having an immediately evident positive effect. Those feelings of working together towards oh-so-necessary goals is one of joy, isn't it?
So, where does all that joy go? How can we go from those feelings to feeling of distance, disconnection, and isolation?
I think it happens because those basic goals are met and we don't have clarity of purpose for the next steps. We have no cohesion. We might be a united front, but we're not united. To be blunt, we're no longer working together. Instead we're working next to each other. To use my own marriage as an example, Superman was working so hard at work, doing what he thought he had to do, giving all he had to give at work. Unfortunately, that meant he had nothing left to give at home and didn't think he had anything to do that was as important at home. Me? I was working so hard to turn our new house into our home and raising our children, caring for our pets, and caring for him, that I couldn't see how I could do more. Except more wasn't what was needed. Neither Superman nor I needed to give more. In fact, we needed to give less. We needed to slow down, work "easier", and talk more. We needed to design the next phase of our family's life rather than both of us just assuming we knew what the other one intended or expected for/of us.
Without cohesion, our efforts weren't actually getting the results we wanted. Without clarity of purpose, our marriage wasn't enriching our family. With our only contact now being deliberate, purposeful contact (via Skype), our conversations have become far more than "the kids have a doctor's appt tomorrow/I have a meeting at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow". They are back to being more "what do we want our lives to look like in five years?" types of conversations. United in the goal of healing our marriage and family, paying off our debt, and positioning our selves for the next 20 years we'll spend together, we're not making assumptions that we know what the other is thinking. We're once again creating cohesion in our marriage and, once again, we're feeling the deep-seated contentment that comes with that journey.
Cohesion and clarity of purpose...it seems so simple, yet so many of us don't even realize when it fades away or is drowned out by the demands of daily life.
I wonder how many of us could improve our relationships with deliberate cohesion and clarity of purpose...how many of us would take that fork in the road that we're too busy to even see most of the time...how much internal contentment we could reap with the deliberate attention focused on regaining that which we had at the beginning of this journey? It is worth thinking about, isn't it?
(Photo: Escher Relativity in Legos)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday Musings - Are we still spunky?
ad·ven·tur·ous/adˈvenCHərəs/Adjective
If you're American (naturalized or otherwise) and not of Native American descent, you come from immigrant stock. That is a inarguable fact. (No, this is not an immigration post, so just bear with me, please!) We are a new country populated with people who came here from somewhere else; our people were adventurous.
Sometime, from somewhere, your people had the gumption to leave Ireland or England or Germany or Indonesia or Africa or Italy or Greece or some other country for the unknown (also known as America). Some of them gave up everything to come here, right down to their family name. Depending upon when in our history they embarked on their journey, they left family they knew they would never see or talk to again. Letters would be few and far between. They got on ships with faith, hope, and determination and no real idea of what they'd be facing at the other end. They were willing to risk virtually everything with no real assurance that they'd succeed. Can you even imagine?
Even in recent times, immigration has been a constant in our nation--adventurers still exist. Asian families coming from war-torn countries, struggling to find success in our country. European families fleeing oppressive governments, following the promise of democracy. Families from Latin and South America searching for economic stability.
Even my adorable sister-in-law left Indonesia more than ten years ago to live in the U.S. She left her family and friends behind to start a new life in the US, one in which she ended up meeting and marrying my brother. I wonder if her loved ones criticized her decision to move to the U.S.
I've been thinking a lot about such things over that past eight months. Many people have criticized Superman and me for making the decision we did we let them know Superman would be living overseas. We are deliberately separating our family as he pursues this opportunity to improve his professional credentials, making him more employable, and, therefore, improving our family's stability. We understand this decision wouldn't be doable for many families (or many couples), but for us, for now, it works.
But the criticism of our decision gave me pause. What are we doing that is so terrible, so alien? Obviously, we don't think we're doing anything bad. In fact, I think what we're doing is in our DNA; we're doing what our ancestors did. (Did you know that one of my direct ancestors is said to have been the first white man to see Yellowstone Falls?) Our ancestors picked up and left their homes to create lives that were far from the familiar. They stepped off the traditional path in pursuit of something different. Sometimes, the men would go ahead and begin the makings of a rudimentary home before sending for their families. Sometimes, the entire family would go at once. It is what our people have always done. Yet, we're perceived as doing something so unusual.
If you live anywhere in the western part of the U.S., someone in your family was an adventurer or you wouldn't be here. This land was settled just a few generations ago: First the Spaniards, the The Gold Rush brought men flocking to California and their women followed them. The city I live in now was incorporated in 1881, years after being settled by Canadian trappers. Only 130 years ago. Think about that...we're talking about DNA from great-grandparents and grandparents. These were very spunky people. Not very far back at all.
We don't talk about our ancestors as heroes or adventurers or consumed with wanderlust. We've taken our spunky forebears for granted and forgotten that we all have a bit of the unusual running through our veins. We strangle ourselves with conformity and escape with extreme sports, addictions, and consumption.
I guess Superman and I still think of ourselves as spunky and our raising our children to not be afraid to forge their own paths. Yes, this separation has been challenging, but it just doesn't seem so horrible to our family. Dare I say? It feels like an adventure.
So, I'll put it to you. Are we still a spunky people or is wanderlust now a recessive trait? Maybe you have it, feel it, but have found more socially acceptable ways to express that wanderlust like, say, extreme sports? I'd love to know what you're thoughts are.
1. Willing to take risks or to try out new methods, ideas, or experiences.
2. Involving new ideas or methods.
If you're American (naturalized or otherwise) and not of Native American descent, you come from immigrant stock. That is a inarguable fact. (No, this is not an immigration post, so just bear with me, please!) We are a new country populated with people who came here from somewhere else; our people were adventurous.
Sometime, from somewhere, your people had the gumption to leave Ireland or England or Germany or Indonesia or Africa or Italy or Greece or some other country for the unknown (also known as America). Some of them gave up everything to come here, right down to their family name. Depending upon when in our history they embarked on their journey, they left family they knew they would never see or talk to again. Letters would be few and far between. They got on ships with faith, hope, and determination and no real idea of what they'd be facing at the other end. They were willing to risk virtually everything with no real assurance that they'd succeed. Can you even imagine?
Even in recent times, immigration has been a constant in our nation--adventurers still exist. Asian families coming from war-torn countries, struggling to find success in our country. European families fleeing oppressive governments, following the promise of democracy. Families from Latin and South America searching for economic stability.
Even my adorable sister-in-law left Indonesia more than ten years ago to live in the U.S. She left her family and friends behind to start a new life in the US, one in which she ended up meeting and marrying my brother. I wonder if her loved ones criticized her decision to move to the U.S.
I've been thinking a lot about such things over that past eight months. Many people have criticized Superman and me for making the decision we did we let them know Superman would be living overseas. We are deliberately separating our family as he pursues this opportunity to improve his professional credentials, making him more employable, and, therefore, improving our family's stability. We understand this decision wouldn't be doable for many families (or many couples), but for us, for now, it works.
But the criticism of our decision gave me pause. What are we doing that is so terrible, so alien? Obviously, we don't think we're doing anything bad. In fact, I think what we're doing is in our DNA; we're doing what our ancestors did. (Did you know that one of my direct ancestors is said to have been the first white man to see Yellowstone Falls?) Our ancestors picked up and left their homes to create lives that were far from the familiar. They stepped off the traditional path in pursuit of something different. Sometimes, the men would go ahead and begin the makings of a rudimentary home before sending for their families. Sometimes, the entire family would go at once. It is what our people have always done. Yet, we're perceived as doing something so unusual.
If you live anywhere in the western part of the U.S., someone in your family was an adventurer or you wouldn't be here. This land was settled just a few generations ago: First the Spaniards, the The Gold Rush brought men flocking to California and their women followed them. The city I live in now was incorporated in 1881, years after being settled by Canadian trappers. Only 130 years ago. Think about that...we're talking about DNA from great-grandparents and grandparents. These were very spunky people. Not very far back at all.
We don't talk about our ancestors as heroes or adventurers or consumed with wanderlust. We've taken our spunky forebears for granted and forgotten that we all have a bit of the unusual running through our veins. We strangle ourselves with conformity and escape with extreme sports, addictions, and consumption.
I guess Superman and I still think of ourselves as spunky and our raising our children to not be afraid to forge their own paths. Yes, this separation has been challenging, but it just doesn't seem so horrible to our family. Dare I say? It feels like an adventure.
So, I'll put it to you. Are we still a spunky people or is wanderlust now a recessive trait? Maybe you have it, feel it, but have found more socially acceptable ways to express that wanderlust like, say, extreme sports? I'd love to know what you're thoughts are.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday Musings - Expectations
Did I mention I was stunned? Seriously stunned. After I got over being offended and feeling attacked, betrayed, and defensive, I took a deep breath and tried to figure what the h*** was going on. I began by asking people who do spend a lot of time with me and my children in varied settings and circumstances if they, too, observed that I humiliate my children. Why? Why would I put such a question out there for all to answer? While I obviously don't feel I humiliate my children and I find the idea distressful, I was willing to put myself out there to solicit feedback from friends and family just in case I was wrong. Just in case I was no longer viewing my own life with any clarity.
Not one person I asked (and I asked a lot of people because I was so concerned about the charge leveled against me) thought there was even a shred of validity to the claim. (Trust me...I asked people who would be more than willing to say such things to my face and no one had any idea where I came up with such an idea.) Okay, then. I breathed a little deeper. Then virtually all of them asked the same question: What did you do to these people that would make them attack you so boldly? The question I'd asked them was so absurd, in their estimation, that it was clear to them I was being targeted by these people for some other crime. Since I couldn't begin to guess, I let that part go.
Still, I had a mystery to solve. I asked Valiant. Do you have any idea what these people might be talking about? Nope. I asked Superman again. Any other details you can give me? An example cited to support the claim, perhaps? Bingo!
It turns out I corrected Valiant, my 14-year old, in front of these people and I wasn't gentle and kind. There it was...I knew roughly what had happened. I maintained my high expectations for Valiant despite the fact that there were witnesses. I did not humiliate him, but I did call him on behavior that was beneath the expectations he has for himself, as well as the expectations I have for him. There it was...I parented my son with no regard to witnesses.
I called my son on his unacceptable actions (I'd tell you what they were, but neither Valiant nor I can remember and Superman didn't get the specifics). Dumping the trash, scooping the poop, math, typing, spelling, some other chore...these are the commitments my son shirks. I'm sure Valiant didn't like it. I'm sure he felt embarrassed to be called on his behavior. I'm also sure he felt ashamed of himself for not doing whatever it was he was supposed to do. So many people aren't doing the job themselves that these people don't recognize parenting when they actually see it. How sad is that?
My job, as I see it, is to raise capable adults. My job is not raise adult-sized children who will NOT be able to support themselves and will be living at home when they're 30. My job is to raise children who know how to judge for themselves whether or not they are meeting expectations and will be able to change their behavior accordingly.
Furthermore, I expect Valiant to grow up to be a MAN, not just a male. That means I expect Valiant to live a life in which his word is his bond. Not living up to his word even with his mother should not be acceptable to him, let alone anyone else.
We live in a society wherein the expectations for individual behavior and responsibility, let alone those we have for our children, are so low as to be non-existent. We have "adult" children who never leave their parents' homes, even if they move out for a little while, they come back or continue to get extra "help" from Mommy and Daddy. (Think I'm harsh? Even the new healthcare law has a provision for us to provide health insurance to our "children" until they are 26 years old because it is not "fair" to expect them to provide for themselves!!) We have mothers who are constantly making excuses as to why little Tommy can't be held responsible for his own actions and fathers who are willing to give up the fight to parent their own children. We have babies for whom all financial support comes from the tax-payers because it is not "fair" to expect their parents to step up to the plate and actually act responsibly. In short, our societal expectations are so low that it is no wonder I was condemned as "humiliating" my child(ren) because I actually acted like a parent. I actually have expectations for their behavior and I stand by those expectations.
I stand firm that expectations matter. I'd rather have my children come back to me and say that my expectations for them were too high than to have them come back to me and ask me why I didn't think they were good enough to reach the peak. Think expectations don't matter? Wes Moore thinks you're wrong and has an amazing example to prove it. The Other Wes Moore: Two boys in the same horrible circumstances...one was raised with the expectation that he could and would do more and one was raised that circumstances were too much for him to transcend. Guess which one surpassed all expectations?
As you can imagine, Superman and I have had numerous conversations since the charges were leveled against me. Superman has also had numerous conversations with our children when I'm not around, just to be certain I'm not hiding anything. He still feels confident that his family is well, but his last few weeks have been more stressful than necessary. I think it is really sad that this element of watchfulness has been added to our lives. I wish I could say I'm not angry anymore, but I'd be lying. I'm still feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, and disappointed.
So, what do you think? Do you have high expectations for your children or do you think we're too hard on kids as it is?
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