Stay-At-Home Wife?

My sister and I have been talking a lot about stay-at-home wives: women who choose to stay home, even if they don't have children. A little more than a year ago, she joined their ranks. It hasn't been an easy transition for her. This is not a new topic of conversation...in fact, we talked about it here (Feb. '09)...and not much has changed since then.

I know how much I struggled to make my way as I became a stay-at-home-mom after working full-time outside the home for the first ten years of my marriage. Finding my way, finding value in what I was doing in a world that only seemed to value my wage-earning abilities was really difficult. I didn't know how to do much in the home-making arena. I, however, had children and society, while not exactly enthusiastic, recognized my desire to be home for my children as an understandable decision. Oh, I still got the "So, what do you do all day?" questions and the "But don't you want to do something that matters?" questions, but I'd "been there, done that". I am blessed with a supportive husband who was completely behind my desire to be home and willing to ride out the ups and downs as we all adjusted to a new way of life. I met up with some wonderful women who were stay-at-home-moms who validated my efforts and made me feel like I wasn't the only one trying to live this old-fashioned lifestyle. In the almost 11 years that I've been home full-time, I've learned so much and I wouldn't trade these years for anything. What once seemed so alien and challenging now seems like the way it should be for me.

My point? My sister has been home for a year and is struggling. No, she's not struggling with the work she does in the home. Instead, she's struggling to make her way in a world that absolutely doesn't value her contribution in the home because she has no children. The more we've discussed the situation, the more I've come to understand that this is the dark, underside of the work/stay-at-home debate. 50 years ago, no one would have questioned her desire to be a stay-at-home wife, even with her college degree. Obviously, lots of things have changed in 50 years, but doesn't feminism really mean she can actually choose and that choosing to stay-at-home and make a wonderful home for her husband and herself is a valid and respectable choice?

I found this post about Learning the Art of Homemaking at Domestic Felicity and thought I'd share part of it with you (but do go over and read the entire post, it is fabulous):

"The way I see it, successfully running a household is in many ways similar to managing a small hotel: meals have to be served on time, everything must be neat and clean and presentable, with a well-organized routine of work that helps things run smoothly. All this, while staying within the strict limits of a budget. And in countless ways, running a home is so much more than running an hotel, because the homemaker is responsible for the long-term well-being of her family, and therefore must make sure her husband has his needs attended, meals are nutritious and made of high quality products and the menu doesn't become too predictable…

… I know it's impossible to list the many arts a good homemaker must know, and there's always something new to learn. But beyond cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting, scheduling, organizing and decorating, there is an important trait a homemaker must have, a trait that cannot be learned and tossed aside, but is only acquired through years of practice. It is patience.

Maybe your floors are so clean you could eat off them and you cook like a chef, but as a homemaker you need much more than that. You must learn to do the same tasks, day after day, week after week, with joy and contentment in your heart. Sure, technically, it's not very hard to change a diaper. How about ten thousand diapers? Doing a load of laundry is easy. Then why is laundry piling up in people's homes? Obviously, because after the thousandth load, we have a tendency to get bored and just let things go."

So, here are my questions to you all:

Is there value in being a stay-at-home wife if you have no children? (Obviously, I see value, but what do you think?)

Are there blogs out there supporting the idea that home-making is not limited to the parents amongst us?

How can someone who has made the decision to be a stay-at-home wife feel good about her decision when just about everybody she knows/meets wonders when she's going to start doing something important.

Tell me, what do you think?

Stay At Home Mom Contract...

My friend, the author of Generation's Gone By, wrote a Stay At Home Mom Contract back in 2006. She reposted it a few days ago and I had the privilege of reading it. Even though it is now three years old, it is still totally relevant and she told me I could share it with you here. It impressed me so much. Please head over to her blog and let her know what you think of it.

The Stay at Home Mom Contract with her Family by Generations Gone By.

1.) I will only work an 8 hour day. If that means I have to take a 2 hour nap with my 2 year old every afternoon, so be it. My day will not start before I have had my morning caffeine. Don’t wake me up to get it!

2.) I will take a one hour lunch break. If this means that I sit and read my email for 50 minutes and the gobble down the hot dogs left on my children’s plates, so be it.

3.) I will take a one hour break each day to exercise (no, vacuuming is NOT exercise). This makes me happy and healthy.

4.) I will not work on housework after 5:00 p.m. Anything I do for or with my family after that time is done as MOM, not as a working stay at home mom, and is not considered work. (I will remind myself of that daily)

5.) I will take vacation days. This means that 10 days a year, I will NOT clean house, do laundry, run carpool, or feel obligated to pick up your dirty clothes. (I pick the ten days)

6.) I also get Christmas day, New Years day, my birthday, Mother’s day, Valentines day, Easter, and the first day of school OFF. This means that I don’t do laundry, vacuum, dust, mop, make beds, (and if I so desire-cook) on these days. This is in addition to my 10 days off a year.

7.) From this day forward, I will NOT consider Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Band, Cheerleading, Baseball, etc. part of my job description. These will be fun things I do just for my family. And I can choose to not attend with no guilt if it is one of my off days.

8.) I will no longer be required to cook 5 different meals for 5 different people. Anyone over the age of 5, who does not like what I cook for dinner, may feel free to cook for themselves. I will announce the meal plans one hour prior to eating and anyone who doesn’t like it, can make their way to the kitchen at that time. If more than 20% of the family does not like what I am cooking, they can fix mine too.

9.) I will no longer be required as part of my job description to be a martyr. If you want me to feel bad because you got an F on a project, because you didn’t tell me until 2:00 am on the day it was due that you needed poster board, you are barking up the wrong tree. This mom will not feel guilty about things that are not her fault.

10.) I will not work weekends. Saturday are my fun days to be with my family and I will not clean on those days unless I want to (I probably won’t want to). I will cook meals if #8 above is obeyed. Sunday is the Lord’s day and I will dedicate myself to a day of rest and restoration of my soul. This means that I will not feel obligated to settle argument between siblings. Go see your dad.

11.) I will from this day forward only feel obligated to transport children who understand that my car is not a toy box, nor a garbage can. You do not have to have a toy in hand to ride in a car, nor do you have to throw your hamburger wrappers in the floorboard, for the hamburger to taste good. When you get out of my car, take that which belongs to you with you. After 24 hours, anything left in my car becomes my property and I can throw it away without guilt. Yes, this means your gameboy.

12.) Children over the age of 5 will be expected to keep their own rooms clean. This means YOU!. No, my job as stay at home mom is not to keep your room clean, it is to teach you to keep your room clean. While we are on it, the Bible says “Raise a child up in the way he should go.” It does NOT say wait on a child hand and foot until his/her 18th birthday.

13.) Once a child reaches the age of 10, I am no longer obligated to throw HUGE expensive birthday bashes and invite all their friends. I will discreetly put $100 into your savings account to be spent however you want and I will take you and one friend out to dinner at the restaurant of your choice- even if it is Chucky Cheese. Cake and ice cream will be provided, and I may even buy you a nice gift.

14.) Any child who irritates me in the car will be given a chore to do once he/she gets home. If you don’t want to irritate me, sit quietly and keep your hands to yourself.

15.) All children must go to their rooms at 8:00 pm and preferably to bed. This is Mom and Dad time, and NO ONE may interrupt. I don’t care if mom is in her bed watching TV and dad is in his office playing Tomb Raider. This is our time, let us decide how to use it.

16.) I will no longer be required to drive anyone anywhere as part of my job description. If I choose to do so, I will, but if not, especially if it is during my free time, you will have to look elsewhere for transportation. Did I mention that Dad owns a car? If you want to improve your chances of me saying yes, ask at least 48 hours in advance. And see #11 and #14 above.

17.) I will not consider spending intimate time with my husband as part of my job description. That time is for fun and can be done on my vacation days as well as normal work days.

18.) I will not feel guilty about anything anymore. My children are healthy, happy, well loved, well clothed, and are doing well in school. This means that I don’t feel that I have to serve homemade cookies at parties, make Halloween costumes, or have a perfect house. It just means I can enjoy my family, because they are enjoyable to be with.

19.) I will only agree to do things I feel called of God to do. This includes PTO, Girl Scouts, field trips, etc. If I don’t feel led to do these things, I will not agree just because that is what stay at home moms do. When I do, I feel guilty and then I don’t enjoy them. From this day forward, I will learn to say No and say it often.

20.) I will love each of you equally and with all my heart. You are a wonderful family and I am proud to call you my own.

Now I don't know about you, but I've been doing this a long time and I still found things I needed to work on in this contract. Number 15 needs to be implemented in this house. It is counter-intuitive, but parent time seems to diminish as your children get older. I need to fix this.

So, take her wisdom, apply it to your own life, and see what you can come up with. This is one contract we should all sign. (And don't forget to tell my friend at Generations Gone By
what you think...I think she was pretty nice to let me repost this for you.)

So, what do you think?

(Uh-oh...I think this might be another soapbox moment.)

My sister has decided she wants to be a Stay-at-Home-Wife and her husband is totally on board with that. They are able to afford to have her stay home, if they cut back a little and they're both willing to do that. The problem (as she sees it): They have no kids. So, she feels she should be doing something valuable with her time and feels guilty for wanting to stay home. When we talked about this, so many things struck me at once that I had to ask you all your opinions.

1) Why isn't it valuable for someone (gender irrelevant here) to stay home and care for the home?

2) Isn't part of the problem with "home" these days is that no one has the time to care for it?

3) Doesn't everyone function better in a well-run home?

4) Why does she have to have children to make this choice more "legitimate"?

I've talked with Superman about this dilemma and we both agree that there is tremendous value in someone being home and actually, mindfully, caring for the home. I worked full-time for the first ten years of our marriage and I won't deny that there was a huge adjustment to be made when I came home full-time. It wasn't always easy, and like my sister I often wondered if I were not actually making a valuable contribution, but it was worth it. From being better organized and better fed, to being more self-sufficient and making a better use of the household's resources, we think there is tremendous value in having someone "managing" the home.

My sister and her husband moved into a new house in a new town in August or September and they both started working at new jobs immediately. Guess where all their energy and focus was directed? Not at home. Fast forward a few months and my sister had quit her job and run smack dab into the holidays. Guess where her focus was? Not really on her home...instead it was more on "pulling off the holidays when she felt like a crazy person". So, here we are in second week of February and she's begun to relax. She sees tons of things that need to be done in her house and actually starts thinking she can get them done. But, alas, then the ugly voice begins again: "You should do something important, something valuable. Go make some money instead of WASTING your time here."

When did having a well-run home become a waste of time? Or, even more absurd, when did it become accepted that she should be in charge of a well-run home and devoted to full-time employment? Why isn't being home, caring for your home and your community, an admirable pursuit?

Finally, why does she have to have children to want these things? No, I'm not being naive...I understand that many people think children are an "excuse" to stay home. No, they add a lot of work to the job of keeping a home running and many, many of us take years to figure out how to make it all work. I would have loved to have been home for a few years before I had children...instead, I did at-home training to learn to care for my home. It wasn't that long ago that no one would have expected her to go to work after she got married. (Yes, I know also that in many cases she wouldn't have been allowed to, but the point is, the time she would have been at home was considered too important to lose her contribution.)

Why would it be more legitimate for her to work full time for money she doesn't need, to buy things she doesn't need, so that she doesn't have time to care for and do the things she (and her husband) really want to do? When did this become the way things are done?

So, what do you think? Should my sister go back to work? Should she feel good about staying home and turning this new house into their home? What are your thoughts? Let me know...